Identity Crisis

Yup that's me. I must apologize to my husband, because I think I am driving him crazy.

I think I have always measured my contribution to life and to my marriage by my monetary contribution to each. Here, I work (barely) part-time and it is weird. I feel stripped of my vote on things, which is stupid and not true. It is just a weird feeling not to be equal anymore, whatever that means.

I also constantly have a feeling like I am "wasting" time over here. I must always be working, trip planning, working out, running errands, volunteering, learning something, studying French, etc. I don't let myself read a book or the newspaper during the day, because that would be enjoying myself and I would be "wasting" time. Like I am going to die before I learn to speak better German, and that would suck. I don't know why, but it would suck.

This seems to be a strikingly American thing, I think. Or maybe it is just an Amie-ish thing. It reminds me of that New York Times article I read - the Busy Trap.

They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.

Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work.

Yes, that is me - am a neurotic douchebag.

In any case, I will refocus and try to chill the eff out and enjoy a little more. French and German classes are coming up again, which helps me feel engaged. I work from home, in a crappy basement apartment remember. The more I can get out the better.......

And I will try and be nicer to Dave.