Eff My Life

So you are probably wondering why I posted the photo of our front door and the "porch" - OK not really a porch - just a door mat. Well, this is where I was when I accidentally locked myself outside Thursday morning while putting recyclables in the bin under the stairs. I thought I had pushed the lock-latch-thingy back enough so that it would stay open while I was recycling, apparently not. The door slammed behind me, and I was suddenly very-very sad.

Why such a big deal Amie, so you locked yourself out. Call Dave, he works right down the street and can come home and let you in. Right, so I locked myself out with no cell phone.

OK just go upstairs and hang at a cafe or a bar for a few hours, not the end of the world. Or, go to one of the many crapass hotels in the area and ask to use their one of their on-site computers and email Dave to come home and let you in. They will understand, no big deal.

Uhm......yeah so I locked myself out in my bra and underwear. Not kidding people, and don't ask why I was hanging out in my skivvies at 11:00 a.m. OK it's fine, it isn't *too* cold out, pull yourself together and think. Oh yeah - then it started to pour down rain. Not kidding. Eff my life.

In a very MacGuyver-like way, I assessed my options. The windows are all barred, the lock is indestructible. There are no other windows to "the dungeon" (as we affectionately refer to our flat). Eff my life. So I find a large stick on the "porch" and lay on the ground, stick the stick through the cat door, and tried and use the stick to hit the latch on the lock to open it. As you can probably guess - this did not work at all. OK other options....... I am obviously WAY too big to fit through the cat door or to squeeze myself through the bars over the living room window. Eff my life.



This little window is my only hope. The opening is about 8 inches wide and 16 inches tall. I pry it open with the stick (breaking the lock) and slither my now cold, wet, half-naked body sideways through the window. And for anyone who thinks this might be some sort of sexy event, I can assure you - it was not. Then began laughing hysterically when I got into the house. That did not just happen, oh yes it did. Eff my life.



So I made it back into the house and was able to set about doing my normal house-wifery and work stuff. I am left with only faint memories of being cold and wet (and naked) on the porch, a broken window lock, and a fatty bruise on my leg. Typical day for Amie, actually.